We Need A Ballroom — A National Imperative

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ 👑 A SOLEMN DECLARATION OF A National Imperative of the Highest Possible Urgency (Gold-Plated, Obviously) Read the Manifesto ↓ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ⚡ URGENT ⚡NATIONAL WALTZ DEFICIT REACHES ALL-TIME HIGH  •  EXPERTS WARN: INSUFFICIENT CHANDELIERS THREATEN DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS  •  LOCAL MAN FORCED TO HOST GALA IN MERELY SILVER-ADORNED ROOM  •  GOLD LEAF SHORTAGE DECLARED "DEFINITELY NOT OUR FAULT"  •  NEW REPORT: 94% OF PROBLEMS SOLVABLE WITH BIGGER BALLROOM  •  CRYSTAL CHANDELIER COUNT FALLS SHORT OF MINIMUM VIABLE OPULENCE  •  There comes a moment in every great nation's history when it must ask itself a hard question. A question that cuts to the very soul of civilised society. A question upon which the prosperity, dignity, and international standing of the entire country depends. That question is: do we have enough ballroom? The answer, and we say this with the gravest possible solemnity, is no. Emphatically, heartbreakingly, embarrassingly no. We have looked at our current event spaces and found them wanting. The chandeliers are merely adequate. The gold accents are, if we are being honest, silver at best. Foreign dignitaries have reportedly suppressed smirks. One ambassador (we shall not name which country) was overheard using the word "cosy." Cosy. This ends now. We are calling for the construction of the most magnificent, most opulent, most gold-encrusted ballroom the world has ever seen. A ballroom so dazzling that photographs cannot do it justice. A ballroom whose chandeliers will be visible from space. A ballroom that says to the world: we have our priorities absolutely, completely, unambiguously sorted.

"A nation without a sufficient ballroom is a nation adrift." — Probably someone important Yes, there are those (small-minded, unpatriotic individuals) who will ask about healthcare waiting lists. About crumbling bridges. About arts programmes quietly defunded for a decade. About the water infrastructure reports sitting unread on various desks since 2019. To those people, we say: have you considered the chandeliers? 🏥 Healthcare $4.2B could fund: 42 million emergency room visitsFree insulin for 2.1 million diabetics for a year140 new community health centresMental health services for 840,000 people But have you *seen* marble this white? 🌉 Infrastructure & Clean Water $4.2B could repair: 7,500 structurally deficient bridges6,800 miles of deteriorating roads84 regional water treatment facilitiesClean drinking water for 1.2 million homes Roads don't have gold leaf though. 🎭 Arts & Culture $4.2B could support: 42,000 artists for an entire year8,400 community arts programmesFree museum access nationwide for 20 years420 new public libraries Unless the art is *in* the ballroom, naturally. We acknowledge these numbers exist. We have seen them. We have considered them briefly, over tea, in a room that (regrettably) did not have adequate chandeliers. We have moved on. You should too. The ballroom, however, will haunt us. As it should. ✦ 50,000 sq ft of marble flooring (Carrara, obviously) ✦ 2,400 lbs of 24-karat gold leaf on the ceilings ✦ $4.2 billion projected cost (conservative estimate) ✦ ∞ vibes of absolute necessity * All specifications subject to upward revision pending consultation with the Committee for More Gold. ** The Committee for More Gold was established last Tuesday and meets weekly over canapés. " I simply cannot host a state dinner without 300 metres of hand-embroidered drapes. It's a matter of national security. —

A Very Important Official " The acoustics in our current room only allow for a *mediocre* waltz. This is a crisis. — Senior Advisor, Department of Waltzing " When foreign dignitaries see our existing ballroom, they pity us. Our gold-to-square-footage ratio is frankly embarrassing. — Anonymous Spokesperson " I consulted seventeen architects. None of them cried at the beauty of our proposal. We need more gold. Much more gold. — The Gold Committee Chair But do we really *need* a ballroom? Absolutely. Unquestionably. Beyond all shadow of doubt. The fact that you are asking this question suggests you have never experienced the deep spiritual emptiness of a nation without adequate waltz space. We grieve for you. What about the cost? $4.2 billion is a bargain when you consider the alternative: living in a country that does not have a ballroom. The psychological damage alone would cost far more. In vibes. Could this money be spent on, say, hospitals? Hospitals are lovely! We have those. But ask yourself: can you waltz in a hospital? Can you host a 400-person gala for foreign dignitaries while nurses fix your boo-boos? The answer, if you think about it very briefly and then stop, is no. How much gold is too much gold? A bold question, and one nobody can actually answer. The current proposal includes 2,400 lbs of 24-karat gold leaf. Independent consultants have suggested this may not be quite enough. We are taking their recommendations very seriously. Who will use this ballroom? Everyone. Well, important people. Well, people with the correct invitations. Well, people who already have enough gold of their own that the ballroom's gold doesn't intimidate them. So: everyone who matters, essentially. The ballroom will not build itself. Although we have consulted several engineers about whether it could be made of self-assembling gold nanoparticles, and their report, while promising, was deemed insufficiently gold-forward. Write to your representatives. Display this manifesto proudly. Remind your neighbours that the nation's honour rests not on functioning hospitals or well-maintained roads, but on the correct number of crystal chandeliers.

✦ Sign the Petition for Adequate Ballroom ✦ Your signature will be recorded in letters of gold. (On parchment. Actual gold. We've budgeted $80M for the parchment.) ✦                                ✦Your signature (metaphorical, for legal reasons) This manifesto was produced entirely without a ballroom. Or gold leaf. Or a budget of any kind. If it made you laugh, or made you angry, or gave you something to send to a friend at 11pm - tips are welcome. Not for chandeliers.